I was happily thinking to myself yesterday that living alone has been a real blessing on my journey to becoming skinny. A certain hypocritial relative (who happens to have fainted on three different occasions, has sleeping and kidney problems, and whose teeth have completely rotted as a result of their flat-out anorexia) has called this morning asking to move in with me. I say hypocritical, because at my first (and very severe) bout with anorexic behaviour, this person badgered me on and on, watching me like a hawk, and constantly shoving their nose into my business. When that bout ended, and I was refeeding, this person was there, buying me fattening crap and being a domineering asshole, while actually GETTING THINNER themself. In fact, one of their more serious fainting spells (where hospitalization was required) happened during my refeeding period. I just hate this hypocrite, but I am too weak to tell them to their face that I do NOT want them moving in. However, I have other methods, and a plan is playing out in my head right now... It's all really stressing me out, but I just have to resort to deceit, or have a whole new eating and exercise plan to get around this nuisance (which will be extra hard, but can be done). Or maybe I should grow some ovaries and act like the adult I am by setting boundries? Which is ridicolous, because it is very difficult- if not impossible- to overcome societal conditioning which ingrain in you that you have to respect and defer to the opinion of those superior to you (by age and familial ties) till the day you f*cking die. Though I want to be skinny more than anything right now, so we'll see.
Anyway, on to the important stuff!
One of the rules I put for myself since I started again on the 10th of this month is that I am not allowed to weigh myself everyday, as I learned that doing that and then seeing no reduction in my weight triggered my garzing and binging episodes. Which led me was back to where I started, and then some more. I am extremely happy with my progress right now. Today is day 18, and I am positive that I could go on till the bitter end. Yes, I have only lost 9 pounds in such a long period (that's what? an average of 1 pound every two days?) and I am no where near my first goal weight yet, but I have got to make myself believe that I am on track. I have even given myself 3 months to reach my first goal weight of 97 pounds, just so that if I weight myself and see the numbers as they were, I will be able to put things in prespective and not go on a freak-out binge. I have to always remind myself that I still have time, that I must preserve, and that no matter how deprived I feel right now, the end result will be worth it. At the start of this I was looking at 22 pounds that needed to go. Now, I have a total of 13 pounds to eliminate. I can do it, and I will do it. I would very much like to get down to 106 pounds this week, so I am tweaking my exercise and eating a little bit. I will post about it as soon as I can. But now, back to work, before I get fired!
Kisses,
CC
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