The F*cking Bumps Along the F*cking Journey

I am disappointed in myself. Long story short, this morning I didn't follow my meal plan. I ate a sandwich. I'll be honest and confess that I did not try getting rid of it. I did try to dump it unto someone else, but when that person declined, I just consumed it. It wasn't a 'normal' sandwich, either, and I'm not sure how many calories it contained. As I was eating it, I was thinking about how it was in my hands. If I wanted to, I could've stopped at the first bite, spit it out, rinsed my mouth, and chalk it all up to a moment of unthinking. But I deliberately bit into that starch, piece by piece, until it was all inside me. After that, I was very inclined to binge. I did not, but I still feel like if I cannot control myself now when I am on my own, how will I be able to control myself tomorrow at home where following my routines and rules are so much more difficult?

Ugh. Today's post was supposed to be all about conquering day 22, yet here I am, an undisciplined blob with absolutely no control.

Though now that I got the pity party out of my system, here is my punishment:

1) Today's sandwich which I ate + the sugarless gum I'm chewing right now will be my meal for today.

2) After parking my car where I live, I will walk to the nearby mall and buy caffeine pills (doing that will take about an hour)

3) Prepare the shit I want to take with me home tomorrow, and (maybe) clean my room

4) On Friday, eat only if absolutely nessecary (I have a plan to not eat without arousing suspision)

5) Firday morning, I'll have a caffeine pill, then walk to the bus station while carrying all my stuff (this will take an hour to an hour and a half)

6) When I reach the city where my home is, I walk home from the bus station (which will take half an hour), rather than take a taxi.

7) In the afternoon, I take my little sister to play (which will burn cals, cause she keeps me on my feet!)

This is for the rest of today, and for Friday. As for Saturday, I found out today that there will be a party of sorts which I do not think I'll be able to skip. It will also be a stressful day overall, because I won't be able to return to the safety of my rented room at the time I planned in my head. So, I will say this:

If I eat, I promise myself that I will channel all my energy picking the foods with the least calories. when I return to my room, I have to do the usual strength training, after walking back to my rented room from the bus station, of course.

I WILL do it. I have reached my first goal of 110, and even if I plateau and lose nothing, there is no way in hell that I allow myself to regain and go back to 119.
I must be strong.
I must cultivate control.
I must succeed.
Wish me well.

Kisses,
CC

Happy, Happy, Happy!

It appears that the new year will be a blessed one!

Getting rid of the hypocritical relative proved to be soooooooooo damn  easy! All the stressing out was for nothing, basically... Hah! Complicting every run of the way mole by over-thinking, the story of life! But the important point is that I can now commence with my weight loss plan comfortably! So, yay!

I'm wolfing down my dinner right now. I'm also feeling kinda light-headed and tired. So I'm just gonna wrap up stuff by declaring this day yet another success! Feeling kinda anxious from having to go back home on Friday, though. I do not want to ruin this by binging or eating "normally"). I just won't be able to handle that. Ughhh! Guess, I just need to organize my thoughts about all that crap.

Ok, feeling REALLY drowsy, so ta-ta~!

Kisses,
CC

Day 20!!!

Yay!

I exercised as planned this morning, and am currently having my dinner (seven-up diet + green peas worth about 288 cals with one pkt of mustard to add flavour). I had my 200gs of baby carrots (with 1 pkt of ketchup and mustard, each), but I could not have my tea, or gum. I was so busy! Not that not having such a small amount of cals matters, but it still counts in my crazy head.

Anyway, I am glad that my crazy boss is keeping me moving around so much, but another part of me is glad that she'll be absent on thursday. I'm planning on taking full advantage of my lunch break (for the first f*cking time since starting this job) to go out and do some shopping. Not clothes (duh!) but stuff to help with losing the pounds. I stepped on the scale half an hour ago, and it read 49.4 kgs, or 109 pounds. I am forcing myself to be glad and keep it in prespective. Losing control at this point will not be good for me, and it doesn't help that I'll be going home this weekend. My weight loss doesn't show on my body, not really, but it shows on my face and hands. I'm worried I'll get confronted with this, and when I do I'll eat junk just to prove that I'm alright! Really! After all:

All normal people eat fatty shit.
I am eating fatty shit.
Thus: I = Normal!

What a load of crap. I may have to buck up and go all 'Yeah? What about you? What are YOU eating, huh?', especially since the person who will most likely be shoving their ugly nose into my business will be the anorexic relative I mentioned in an earlier post. Sigh. I have to put it into my head that I must NOT, under any circumstance, give in. Giving in would be a nightmare, since it'll just open the door to binging, and then may god have mercy on anything edible in the vincity. My effort, these 20 days, my goal of finishing a month, all will be flushed down the toilet. This is very serious to me. Yesterday, I had a nightmare in which I was eating lots and lots of cashews (due to all the cashew talk yesterday?). I woke up panicky and then felt a pure wave of utter relief wash over my entire soul (yeah, it was that intense!) once I realized it was just a bad dream. This is how serious it is for me. So I guess that I will have to devise a plan to deal with all this shit. I'll post it later.

Anyway, I really got distracted, didn't I? 20 days! Looking forward to boasting about conquering day 30 on a post in the future! Go me!

Kisses,
CC

Forced Activity

My feet are killing me!

I have a boss whom I have a (not-as-extreme-as-when-I-began-working-for-her) crush on. Problem is, she can be such a crazy bitch when stressed out, and because the project we're working on is ever-descending into hell's seveth pile of shit, she is becoming a major lunatic! The upside is that I am forced to be on the run, walking all around the office and being active, which- as we all know- has the fabulous effect of burning cals!

Today will be another success. I followed the essentials of the exercise part of the plan that I outlined yesterday; meaning that I did the 30 minutes walking that I wanted to add this week, though not when I arrived at work as I originally planned. I arrive extra early, and if I wanted to devote half an hour to fast-walking, no one would object because no one would really know. But after my daily weight training this morning, I thought 'Why the hassle?' See, I packed a shirt and sneakers to exercise in and then change back to my more suitable working attire. Instead of doing that, I just fast-walked in my room and avoided the whole trouble. Though it did get me thinking if I was not burning as much as I would if I walking in the open? My room is quite small, and I walked from one end to the other and then back again-- like extra fast pacing. For some weird reason it just popped into my mind that the second of pausing that turning around takes renders the whole half hour useless... But maybe that's just the crazy in me talking?

As far as food goes, I had roughly 190 to 200 gs of baby carrots with 1 ketchup pkt and 1 mustard pkt just like I planned in my head. I kinda wolfed that down... Same as yesterday's dinner. Which is strange, since I don't really feel hungry. In fact, during this renewed period of restriction, all of the instances in which I craved fattening junk where when I was stressed out. as an example, today we had our weekly meeting with our client, and in every such meeting we have to present the client representatives with an assortment of fruit and mixed nuts. And oh, my god. Salted AND unsalted almonds and cashews (especially cashews!) are the devil. They are one of the foods that I binge on. With me, there is no 'over-eating' with these -- only binging. Considering the significant amount of calories (abut 500 to 600 in 100 grams?), and that I could finish two 500g bags (something that I did regulary) in under two hours, then still be hungry and go on to eat some more, just imagine all the extra fat that accumulates(ed) from the tremendous amount of excessive calories. Ewww! To make things worse, a colleague brought arabic sweets with him, and as I was opening the fridge in the kitchen, there were three chocolate thingies in view. I will be lying if I say that I didn't get weak at the sight. But, I am completely honest when I say that actually eating all this yummy garbadge was not something I contemplated seriously. It was more of a depressed resignation that I will never get to eat these kinds of food. So, overall, I am proud of myself, as I did not give in, and will not give in.

Tomorrow will be day 20. I cannot wait to conquor it, too!

Kisses,
CC

Adding More Exercise!

                                                       

I couldn't help it, so about an hour ago I weighed myself. Still 110 of course, I'm so stupid!

However! I do want to lose a bit faster. Up till today I was averaging about 700 to 900 calories. So I've created a trail routine just moments ago that I will be trying out for this week. I'll judge how effective it is on Thursday, by both weighing myself and examining my feelings about it (whether it created an urge to binge or not, mainly). The routine will be as follows:

Wake up @ 5:45 am

Do my usual strength training.

Leave to work

Buy either baby carrots or cherry tomatoes on the way

Once at work, go walking for 30 minutes.

If absolutely necessary, have a cup of tea with two artificial sweetners (not before nine am, though)

Eat the veggies bought with very little mustard (and a small ketshup pkt if I just can't go without) no earlier than 12 pm.

One sugarless gum and one peice of fruit (optional) for the rest of the work day

Dinner is one can of green peas (this is about 288 calsm suitable for vegetarians, no worries) + 1 diet seven up.

This plan starts tomorrow, 28th. December. 2009.

Kisses,

CC

When You Jinx Yourself...

I was happily thinking to myself yesterday that living alone has been a real blessing on my journey to becoming skinny. A certain hypocritial relative (who happens to have fainted on three different occasions, has sleeping and kidney problems, and whose teeth have completely rotted as a result of their flat-out anorexia) has called this morning asking to move in with me. I say hypocritical, because at my first (and very severe) bout with anorexic behaviour, this person badgered me on and on, watching me like a hawk, and constantly shoving their nose into my business. When that bout ended, and I was refeeding, this person was there, buying me fattening crap and being a domineering asshole, while actually GETTING THINNER themself. In fact, one of their more serious fainting spells (where hospitalization was required) happened during my refeeding period. I just hate this hypocrite, but I am too weak to tell them to their face that I do NOT want them moving in. However, I have other methods, and a plan is playing out in my head right now... It's all really stressing me out, but I just have to resort to deceit, or have a whole new eating and exercise plan to get around this nuisance (which will be extra hard, but can be done). Or maybe I should grow some ovaries and act like the adult I am by setting boundries? Which is ridicolous, because it is very difficult- if not impossible- to overcome societal conditioning which ingrain in you that you have to respect and defer to the opinion of those superior to you (by age and familial ties) till the day you f*cking die. Though I want to be skinny more than anything right now, so we'll see.

Anyway, on to the important stuff!

One of the rules I put for myself since I started again on the 10th of this month is that I am not allowed to weigh myself everyday, as I learned that doing that and then seeing no reduction in my weight triggered my garzing and binging episodes. Which led me was back to where I started, and then some more. I am extremely happy with my progress right now. Today is day 18, and I am positive that I could go on till the bitter end. Yes, I have only lost 9 pounds in such a long period (that's what? an average of 1 pound every two days?) and I am no where near my first goal weight yet, but I have got to make myself believe that I am on track. I have even given myself 3 months to reach my first goal weight of 97 pounds, just so that if I weight myself and see the numbers as they were, I will be able to put things in prespective and not go on a freak-out binge. I have to always remind myself that I still have time, that I must preserve, and that no matter how deprived I feel right now, the end result will be worth it. At the start of this I was looking at 22 pounds that needed to go. Now, I  have a total of 13 pounds to eliminate. I can do it, and I will do it. I would very much like to get down to 106 pounds this week, so I am tweaking my exercise and eating a little bit. I will post about it as soon as I can. But now, back to work, before I get fired!

Kisses,
CC

 

Introduction

Status:


Height= 5 feet 0 inches

HW= 137 pounds
LW= 79 pounds

Started Again: 10/12/2009

Starting Weight= 119 pounds

CW= 110 pounds
GW1= 110(Success!On 26/12/09)
GW2= 97 pounds
GW3= 88 pounds(?)
UGW= .......?

Starting with my weight status. A cliche, I know, but very fitting nonetheless. Numbers are what my life revolves around right now, and reduction of these numbers is the only thing that gives me a sense of discipline and accomplishment.

As I have no friends (nor do I wish to cultivate friendships-- not in real life, anyway), and I am living alone currently, the weekend (Friday and Saturday where I am) like the one before, and the one before that, has been spent with me, myself, and I, couped up in the room I rent. Naturally, I was surfing the web, and since all of the sites that I frequent do not have updated material due to christmas and the holidays, I decided to pop up on this site, of which I am a (recent) and inactive member. After lurking through old threads, I got an epiphany. I feel very lonely, and the only people I've been around that eased that loneliness have been people with disordered eating. It is quite strange in a way, some might think. Not so, at least for me. I find the genuine love and support that floats around there (from people who actually understand) to be like heart shaped cushions-- very sweet and disarming. I want to be a peice of that, I want to participate and be active. That is one of the reasons that made me decide to start a blog-- for real, this time. I will be posting every single day, recording whatever I want to, and through that, perhaps meet friends, create a support system, get to know my self better, and develop discipline that will help me see my current "diet" till the very end.

Huh. See you in the next post, I guess?

Kisses,
CC